Number Twenty-Two

Five for One, Five oh One (541 – 501) Number Twenty-Two

Week Ending 01Jun08

Five for One – You read, at most, five, then you send me one reply.

Five oh One – I hope to have 501 replies by the end of the year.

All replies to 5014mack@gmail.com or my facebook profile.

This week’s missive fuelled by Spacemen 3 “Playing with Fire” and “Reccuring”

Hey, I was listening to Astronomy Cast this week (catching up on episodes - only 52 behind, yeah I know but I feel loathed to delete them because when the mood hits I’ll listen to that 26 hours of material – geez, I’ve just realised how ridiculous it is to have 1100 podcasts in itunes that are unlistened to. If I was to weld my headphones to my lugholes and have my ipod playing 24 hours a day I still wouldn’t have time in the week to listen to them all. But that is beside the point really, It’s not about listening to every one of them it is about being my own radio-controller. I decide what I want to listen to at any given minute of the day. I don’t have to curse Radio 4 for some crappy “Brain of Britain” quiz or “You and Yours”, I have primo content at my fingertips and can bless my ears with whatever I fancy whenever I want.)

So the Astronomy Cast, on the 4^th December 2006 was talking about stars and our star, the sun. What struck me most was this, our sun, after it becomes a red giant and we have excellent tans, it becomes a white dwarf. Once the white dwarf cools you have a diamond the size of the earth! Bling, Bling, Ber-Ling!

Trouble is we gotta wait about 5 billion years for the sun to enter the red giant phase.

So my idea is this: We start collecting matches, tin foil and elastic bands, right?

Actually, more specifically we need the match heads. If we get enough of them together, wrap them in tin foil and launch it at the sun it’s gotta gee it along a bit hasn’t it? Have you seen what happens when you do it on a small scale in an open fireplace? Not a lot, but it burns pretty bright!

How do we get the big match-head tin foil ball up to the sun? That’s where the elastic bands come in, we build a massive catapult using them. I’m not expecting you to do all the work here, I have an elastic band ball the size of a softball that I am going to contribute. We can do this! We’ll be rich I tells ya, RICH!

Rosemary wasn’t too impressed with the noodles I put in front of her this Thursday, she took a forkful, jammed them into her mouth and had about twenty or so dangling from her mouth for about 30 seconds then she just leaned forward, opened her mouth and deposited them onto her plate. I know, I know you shouldn’t encourage behaviour like that. I didn’t laugh. It’s so amusing though. I sat there with a shocking-red poker face, steam practically venting out of my ears, trying not to laugh. I musta burst a few blood vessels but this is for the good of society isn’t it?

Social norms eh? Who writes the rules? How do we know that someone invading our personal space is weird? At times I find it funny when folk do this though, get in real close when talking. I sometimes like to close the gap even further and make THEM feel weird (this can backfire, they don’t even notice or up the ante and get closer still until your lips are being tickled by their moustache when they talk). Alternatively, take them on a merry dance.

The Merry Dance (works best if it is actually a pun – bear with me, all will become tab clear) - This works well in a pub with a bit of space to move around in. You are having a good old chinwag with someone who is a space invader and what you do is slightly move back a little, they close the gap. Move back again, they close the gap etc. etc. You can take them on a merry dance around the place and they have no idea. The ultimate? A figure of eight! Try it some time.

Our Electrician who comes and fixes stuff at the brewery, Kevin kinda stands a little close. He was in this Tuesday checking to see the heating element he’d ordered was the right one for the hot liquor tank (basically the tank in which the hot water is stored. This water is added to the malted barley (to make the mash) or used to sprinkle (“Sparge”) over the mash. But if you are using water to make the product in brewing then it is referred to as liquor or brewing liquor).

The element in the hot liquor tank hasn’t been working too well. When it was working fine you could leave the elements on auto at the end of the working day and the electricity would kick in during the cheaper “economy 7” hours. At the moment we are having to turn them on manually at the end of the brewing day (say 4-5pm) and the water is just hot enough at 7am.

Kevin is in his fifties and likes to talk. I do too. If he pops in it can set me back hour at least! I have no idea how we got onto the subject but he really impressed me by saying that though he wasn’t religious he’d “probably be a druid or something like that, or you know, like an American Indian”. I think I was most impressed that a down to earth man in his fifties can have such an open mind about such things. He told me about a time he was camping and there was a handfasting ceremony on the campsite he was on, “it was beautiful” he said. Good Old Boy is our Kevin.

Hidden message for Steve Kirby (parp, parp, welcome aboard) and Will Twomey somewhere in this 541. As Rolf Harris would say, “Do you know what it is yet?” (actually these days it’s more like “Poor old Buster died on the operation table, he was a good dog..but the piles finally got the better of him”).

We invited Neda our next door neighbour around for a meal on Saturday night to celebrate the conclusion of her teaching course. Her Chinese student lodger Alfred also got a proxy invite. I think this is the first time I’ve actually connected with Alfred, I asked him what courses he was talking at school and then got chatting about Physics. I tried to impress him with my new found knowledge on stars/our sun – it worked! His face lit up and the next thing I knew, he’d nipped back next door and fetched his laptop.

“Chinese new years show, very beautiful” was what he told me showing the laptop screen. I then saw a big production on a big stage, first up was what looked like synchronised swimming, only on stage with loadsa elaborately dressed female dancers. Alfred was beaming “Beautiful!” then there was a coupla old men who went behind a screen and performed shadow puppetry with just their hands. Now, at first I thought “this is lame, anyone can do that” then it started to morph into more and more amazing things/creatures. Well impressive.

The Cooper of Grace for me though was this acrobatic team who had two poles erected probably 12 feet apart. (get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn’t acrobatic pole dancing. Hmm, technically I guess you could call it that. It wasn’t lewd is what I’m trying to say). These guys would climb up one pole and then backflip or whatever onto the other pole. I was absolutely blown away by it. Alfred was happy as Larry and I think I could feel he had a sense of pride in his country from this.

I don’t think his real name is Alfred, most Chinese students who come over here adopt a British name. The best I heard of was a girl who chose the name Ran.

Neda was stoked on her meal. Lindsay really went to town. Great food, great company.

Props

Alex Leech, I can’t repeat what you said, my Mum and Dad read this. Okay so it wasn’t whet you said but what Kevin Smith said on the Smodcast. I aint repeating any of it!

Paula Bergen said: “By the way…an applause to your Cousin Cathy…I have never heard of eating a Reese Peanut Butter Cup like that in my life…nor have I ever seen it! Maybe a prize winning You Tube video in the future?! Hee!”

Well Cath? Get the video camera out. It could be the next you tube clip to go viral. Marsha (my Mom-in-Law) has sent me some butter cups, maybe I’ll have a go.

Mark Thomas said: “The Rosemary talking thing is great, James is still mixing stuff up my favourite being a time when he and I were enjoying the sunshine in Blenheim park after a manic hill rolling session, after a quick rest I got up and said ‘C’mon onwards and upwards’, James replied, “yes, forwards and backwards” Cracked me up!”

Love it! Forward and backwards.

Sam Shrimpton said of his niece “I like the bit about the wor-cester-shire sauce. We watched in awe as Abigail took a salt and vinegar crisp, (thinking it was a normal crisp) and made exactly the same face as Rosemary, however rather than putting her off, she kept eating them, making the same face everytime. :8)”

On wings or tails Domique Delaney said “I would like to add to the wings v tails debate.I am still pro wings even more so after falling flat on my face at a mate’s house.Said person forgot to tell me to mind the board in the doorway,so consequently I landed in a heap on the floor with 2 very sore knees.Wings could’ve prevented this from happening.Failing that I think that I will have to start wearing my glasses!”

273 to go!

Have a Hap-ee week y’all,

The Daddy Mack